The other day I got in a fight with my husband.
On the surface, it appeared to be about a toilet seat, but it was really some sh*t from childhood.
Tell me you’re hyper-independent without telling me you’re hyper-independent
Both of my parents are the oldest kids in their families
My mom is the oldest of six.
My dad is the oldest of seven and that means both of them were highly parentified as kids. Both were responsible for their siblings from a very young age and that is how they learned to parent. When I came along, I was raised in a similar manner. Let me give you a recent example:
Just because you CAN doesn't mean you should
I was back in the United States with my five year old son. My mom said she would take care of him so I could go out to dinner with my friends. (SWEET!) I confirmed she knew our bedtime routine and she responded, “Oh, no need to worry, he puts himself to bed." (Reminder: He is five)
She must have heard what happened with my dad a few days before and was ready to jump on the bandwagon.
Basically I asked my dad to watch my son one night, the next dad wakes up and says, “You know what? I fell asleep and forgot to put Aron, but you know what he did?" My father proceed to tell me
That little boy turned off the TV, came into my room and told me goodnight. He then tucked himself in and my dad was so proud of him for that.
And I was also proud of him for that.
I was like my little five year old put himself to bed, turned off the lights, tucked himself in and all of these things.
But then I was like, is that what we want from a five year old?
Just because he can do it, does it mean he should do it?
And in that story I learned how proud five-year-old me would have been and how that probably got me and almost lost me my first job working for a famous fashion brand two decades later.
The Time I F*cked Up Working for a Famous Fashion Brand
In my late twenties, I got a job working at Coach in New York City.
I was a temp for a position that had been vacated by many people- either they got fired or they quit, which should have been a red flag! But at the time I felt my ability to hang was a sign of my exceptionalism. And I was like…
I'm gonna show up like nobody has ever shown up!
For me that meant never asking anyone for help because I knew my value was in my ability to get stuff done without people having to tell me a damn thing.
And that worked really well for me.
I got myself hired full-time with a raise and promotion. I remember telling my mother and she said, “Now you make more than me.”
Which was music to the ears of a kid raised to be the bigger, better, badder version of her parents, but of course I didn’t see what was coming next.
A huge project came in just for me. I was dealing with more designers, more fabrics, more deadlines. Work was burying me alive, but I wasn't gonna ask for help. I had to show that I could hang!
You can guess what happened shortly after.
A few weeks in, I ended up walking off the job and leaving. Luckily...
I was working in fashion where a flair for the dramatic was tolerated.
When I returned after that embarrassment, I asked for help and the project was completed on time, but the most shocking part for me was yet to come.
Review season rolled around and guess what happened? I didn't get the bonus that I thought it deserved. I didn't get the respect that I thought it deserved.
In fact the review was pretty bad compared to the year before when I accomplished less.
All because I lost my shi*t.
One thing I have learned:
Nobody's going to celebrate you if you lose your mind and act crazy no matter what miracle you pull off in the process.
TWENTY YEARS LATER
I’m sweating, swearing and getting grossed out because even though I disinfected the toilet, it’s still a toilet!
My husband came in and said, “Why are you sending photos of the toilet to our friends back in Hungary?”
I felt like such a nut.
“Why didn’t you just ask me?" he continued.
Here’s how I know I’ve grown. Instead of throwing something smart back, I remembered all those mistakes in the past, stepped back and my husband fixed the toilet.
Later that night, Zozo called himself, “A real American dad.” which reminded how great it is to watch someone else enjoy some self esteem instead of gobbling it all up for myself.
The reason I’m telling you this story is because we can all get caught up in doing things by ourselves and sometimes it results in a real sh*t show on your hands.
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